Chapter Two

Today, there’s a lot of focus on how we look. When I was growing up, people cared more about my appearance than how I actually felt.

“If you don’t smile, your face will freeze like that!”

People said this because I was always frowning, and they didn’t like it. Another thing I often heard when I got in trouble was:

“Wipe that smile off your face!”

It doesn’t make much sense, does it? People couldn’t decide what they wanted. No one ever asked, “Hey, Mark, why are you frowning? Are you okay?” I don’t think they meant to ignore my feelings; it just never crossed their minds to ask. They figured I’d grow out of it, which is what our pediatrician always said.

Mom: “Doctor Smith, my son’s spine seems to have some curvature.”
Dr. Smith: “Oh, he will grow out of it.”

But I never did.

Mom: “Doctor, he doesn’t like being around other kids, he seems reclusive, he likes to read books incessantly, he won’t eat his peas, he argues with his brother…”
Dr. Smith: “Oh, he will grow out of it.”

Nope. I do eat peas now and actually like them, but I kept arguing with my brother—may he rest in peace.

Mom: “Mark has allergic reactions and asthma.”
Dr Smith: “Oh, he will grow out of it.”

Actually, I finally did… at age 40!

I used to be allergic to almost everything: bananas, milk, rye, dust, pollen, flour, tomatoes, animal dander, bird feathers, cats, dogs, and cigarette smoke. Back then, everyone smoked cigarettes, cigars, or pipes. Marijuana and meth weren’t common. People would pass around a pack of cigarettes and a lighter as if it were a tradition. At home, nobody quit smoking, even when the doctor said to, and we always had a dog but never a cat. Then, in December 1996, my allergies just stopped. I’m not sure why. Maybe my body changed, maybe I just got tired of it, or maybe God healed me, that’s what I usually say, but honestly, I don’t know. Now we have two German Shepherds and three cats, and one of the German Shepherds likes to sit on my lap. I’m careful not to touch her and then rub my face or eyes, but it doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. Years ago, I couldn’t even be in the same house as a cat without sneezing, coughing, and getting swollen eyes.

For a long time, I struggled with feeling unworthy. It took me years to accept it and try to act 'normal,' whatever that means. As I said before, everyone has advice on how to feel better or fix yourself.

I’ve always loved reading, and as a kid and teenager, I spent more time with books than with people. Books let me escape into other worlds, like being a cowboy or a starship captain. In my teens, I read about psychology, different religions, and happiness, but none of it fixed my own unhappiness. I thought finding the right person would make me happy. It took a ten-year marriage, fourteen years divorced, and over twenty years in a second marriage to realize I was wrong about happiness. I learned this slowly; old habits are hard to break.

If you look up 'How do I feel worthy?' online, you’ll find plenty of advice. Much of it is helpful, but I want to share a main idea: the best way to feel worthy is to realize we can’t do it on our own. That might sound strange, but it’s really what I’m getting at. Many of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to feel worthy, but maybe the answer is simpler than we think.

There is an often-overlooked story about the unworthy servant.  
“Suppose one of you has a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Will he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, ‘Come along now and sit down to eat’? Won’t he rather say, ‘Prepare my supper, get yourself ready, and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that, you may eat and drink’? Will he thank the servant for doing what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.’ ” (Luke 17:7-10) https://my.bible.com/bible/111/LUK.17.7-10

It’s interesting that in the Bible, Jesus challenges what we usually believe about worth. Society cares a lot about looks and achievements, but Jesus tells us to focus on our hearts and intentions. This shows that our value isn’t about success or image, but something deeper that isn’t based on what we do.

Because of this, it’s understandable that many people try to follow Christ and do what the Bible says, hoping it will help them feel better about themselves or even earn a place in heaven. But Jesus actually sees things differently, and that’s a key part of Christianity. I’ll talk more about that soon.

This shows something we all do: we want to achieve, improve, and prove ourselves. We judge almost everything by performance, where you went to school, where you live, and what job you have. But Christianity isn’t like that. When Jesus taught in the Middle East, he told stories that challenged what people thought they knew. That makes sense, because if God is real, he probably sees things differently than we do.

The Bible says there’s nothing we can do to earn God's favor. That chance was lost with Adam and Eve. Now, we’re stuck in a world full of rules and expectations. Imagine a stranger shows up and talks about a place where everything is right, no pain or sorrow. How do we get there? The traveler says we can’t find it, then says we can. It feels impossible. Should we search Google for answers about our worth?

It’s tough to accept that we can’t earn worthiness on our own. I’ve done good things; shouldn’t that matter? But that’s still thinking in terms of performance, not what I’m trying to say. According to Jesus, God judges us differently. He doesn’t measure our worth by what we do, believe, or try. The main point is this: our worth is a gift, not something we achieve.

Think about how you give a gift to your child or a friend. Do you only give them something if they deserve it? Maybe sometimes, but usually, if you really care about them, you want to give the best and most thoughtful gift you can.

This reminds me of a personal story. One Christmas morning, I was sitting by the fireplace with my daughter and family. We didn’t have much money, and I’d told my daughter I couldn’t afford expensive gifts that year. On top of that, I had just totaled my car. Before that, I could barely afford gas, let alone a new car. Thankfully, my brother let me use his old yellow car, which ran but burned a quart of oil a day and left a trail of black smoke. I tried to drive it gently to keep the fumes down, but people still yelled at me to “get it fixed!” I wanted to yell back, “Hey! Pass over a little cash if you don’t mind!”

That year, my daughter wanted a certain game, but it was too expensive, so she didn’t expect to get it. After we’d opened all our gifts, I said, “Wait, there’s one more.” When she unwrapped it, I’ll never forget her face; she was shocked, amazed, and even cried a little. She hugged me and said, “Oh, Dad, how did you do this? I can’t believe it; thank you so much!” I had worked extra, sold some things, and did whatever I could to surprise her. It didn’t matter how she’d acted; I gave her the gift because I love her and wanted to do something special. That’s how I think God treats us, too.

This challenges the way we often think of God. We imagine Him as a strict judge, seated at his court desk, waving his gavel around, occasionally smacking us when we get out of line, and ready to punish us when we mess up. But Jesus actually tried to correct that idea. Did you know that God cares about you so much that he even knows how many hairs are on your head? If you know how to give good gifts to your own children, imagine how much more your heavenly Father can do. He owns everything and created all the stars.
When it comes to God and our worth, most of us are happy to accept his generous offer and feel good for a while, but then we forget. The truth is, it’s a gift we can’t earn or expect. Still, it’s easy to slip back into old habits and try to earn favor we already have. That’s why the story of the unworthy servant matters. Even after doing everything right, he says, "I am still unworthy; I have only done everything I could and nothing beyond."

The Bible says again and again that true goodness isn’t in us, and even our best efforts don’t earn us God's favor. Jesus points out that the Old Testament laws show we can’t be perfect by what we do. The main point is: we can’t reach perfection on our own; the answer lies elsewhere, not in our actions.

But there’s still hope. One day, we’ll live in a place of real joy and happiness, with no pain or sorrow, even if it’s hard to understand now. The gift is free, you can’t earn it, but it will cost you everything. That sounds confusing, I know. It’s not about your performance, but how you live still matters. So, is it based on what you do or not? The answer seems to be both. Some people will be included, and some won’t. God, who is beyond time and space, already knows who those people are.

It’s natural to want to argue: "That’s not fair. We should get a choice. Who would turn down an offer like that?"

But the truth is, everyone would say no.

The Bible says we don’t even try to listen, and even if we wanted to, we couldn’t hear it. Have you ever tried to tell someone something they didn’t want to hear? Let me tell you a story to explain.

Joe was married to a wonderful person for twenty years and had four kids of different ages. One day, he decided to leave his family and start something new with a co-worker he’d met a few months before. Joe and I had been friends for years, so this was really out of character for him. He thought I would support his choice to "Be Happy," but I didn’t. We had many long talks, but Joe always blamed everyone else for his unhappiness, never himself.
(Joe is not the real name and represents probably at least ten people I know who did the same thing.)

Over time, I noticed that when someone agrees with you at first but then returns to their old complaints, they’re not really listening. In that moment, they can’t hear you because they don’t want to change. Nothing you say will make them want to. That’s just what I’ve seen.

Maybe this isn’t a perfect example, but you’ve probably had a conversation where you just couldn’t get your point across. I’ve been on both sides, sometimes talking, sometimes not really listening. Honestly, I’ve probably done more ‘not hearing’ than talking. Sometimes we just can’t get out of our own heads to understand someone else.

Jesus understood this, too. He said things like, "Those who have ears to hear, let them hear," and, "Your ears are stopped up so that you cannot hear or understand." Once, after Jesus told some stories, his disciples asked, “Why don’t you just say what you mean instead of speaking in riddles?” His answer was challenging:

“You are permitted to understand the secrets of the Kingdom of Heaven, but others are not. More understanding will be given to those who listen to my teaching, and they will have abundant knowledge. But for those who are not listening, even their little understanding will be taken away. That is why I use these parables. For they look, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really listen or understand. This fulfills the prophecy of Isaiah that says,
‘When you hear what I say, you will not understand. When you see what I do, you will not comprehend. For the hearts of these people are hardened, and their ears cannot hear, and they have closed their eyes so their eyes cannot see, and their ears cannot hear, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and let me heal them.’
But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. I tell you the truth: Many prophets and righteous people longed to see what you saw, but they didn’t see it. And they longed to hear what you hear but didn’t hear it.”

I think the lesson here is that if you really want to understand, you have to truly listen.
To sum up, I hope you feel worthy not by trying to convince yourself, but by realizing that worthiness is a gift, not something you earn. There’s a lot more I could say, but I’ll leave it here for now.

And to finish Joe’s story, he left his wife and moved in with his new girlfriend from work. He went through a messy divorce that cost him a lot, and most of his salary went to support payments. His new girlfriend wasn’t happy with how things turned out and left him a few months after the divorce. Years later, his ex remarried a great guy, his kids want nothing to do with him, and he’s basically broke. But guess who he blames?

You guessed it—he blames his ex-wife.